Introduction
Identity is one of my passions. Helping people rediscover who they are after abuse or figure out who they are as a young person is one of the reasons I became a therapist.
I am a white British heterosexual male however, which comes with its own privileges and subconscious biases. It's because of this that I thought it important to let my clients know that I am aware of this and give them some insight into my thoughts and beliefs on some important aspects of my practice.
Socrates is quoted as saying:
"The only thing that I know is that I know nothing".
It is with this thought that I approach my practice, always learning, open minded and accepting of others.
Equality vs Equity
I'll never forget this analogy I learnt. You wouldn't give everyone in your favorite sports team the same size uniform would you? Larger people squeezing into tight shirts not able to breath, smaller people getting caught up in baggy shirts. You give them shirts that fit them, that way they perform to the best of their abilities. If you asked a famous football team manager this question they would probably look at you as if you were stupid because the question is so obvious it doesn't even need to be answered.
When we apply this same thinking to general society however I often hear statements such as "why do we have to do special things for them". To those people, it's not about doing something special for them or treating everyone "the same" it's about giving everyone an equal chance with what they need to excel. If your famous sports team had all been given undersized shirts when they were starting out what do you think the chance would have been for them to ever reach global heights? A society that says one size fits all is never going to be a champion.
As a therapist this is the root of my practice, as shown in the tag line under my company name, "Tailored mental health support". I approach each client as a unique individual that receives my tailored approach to their unique needs.
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Sexuality & Gender
My best friend, I've known since primary school, is gay. I think throughout my life growing up I've been to more gay bars than I have heterosexual bars. However, it was only later in life I learnt how different the world was for him. Constantly having in the back of your mind "can I be who I truly am or do I have to mask it"? Fear of not just being shunned but of real physical and psychological violence against you is always there as a background thought affecting all your decisions in life. This is something I had never thought of before. When I asked my friend about it they said "of course" as if it is normal life for them, it's the way it has always been, that's just how life was. We had grown up together but we had experienced very different lives.
This seeming acceptance that its normal not to feel safe in general life is a common feeling expressed by my female clients as well. The amount they have to adapt to a world not designed for them is summarized well by Dua Lipa's song "Boys Will Be Boys". Another example of how my privileged position used to result in a subconscious bias.
Sexual orientations, gender identities, and sex characteristics are part of our identities but do not define our existence. I have had many clients referred to me "because" they are Transgender, Non binary or questioning but when it comes to the sessions this is not what they want to talk about, it's just part of who they are. It doesn't stop them experiencing the usual difficulties in life such as anxiety over exams, depression after a break up or frustrations over not finding a job.
Neurodiversity
I once had a neurodiverse client say to me "Well they told me they put me in a school for bad boys so if all the adults around me are telling me I'm a bad boy I may as well be the best bad boy I can be". Our society is only recently starting to understand neurodiversity and it is a long way from integrating it into our neurotypical institutions.
Things that make certain individuals exceptional are being labeled negatively and treated horrendously, purely through people's general ignorance and fear. It is my belief that we should be nurturing our exceptional, helping them understand and make use of their super powers instead of condemning and repressing them.
Out of my Neurodiverse adult clients the majority own their own businesses, in some cases multiple businesses or have senior positions in large companies. This is replicated in general society as the list of neurodivergent famous people is almost endless Simone Biles (ADHD), Daryl Hannah (ASD), Billie Eilish (Tourettes), Emma Watson (ADHD), Bill gates (ASD), Elon Musk (ASD).
As a therapist my goal is to help my clients develop their super powers while also helping them cope in an often hostile neurotypical world.
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Culture
Many of my clients come from different cultures. It can be very difficult to adapt to a culture so foreign to something you have known since birth. Things taken for granted in the UK can be very different from other cultures' core principles. The intricacies of religion, the shame and guilt that can come with divorce or the normalisation of abuse in family life to name but a few.
It can also be difficult for those first generation being born in the UK needing to walk the tightrope between a family of old traditions and new UK possibilities.
As a therapist I would never say I understand all cultures however I am open minded and try to become aware and challenge my own biases and I work with my clients to understand what they are experiencing from their own cultural perspective.
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In closing
We are minorities in some ways, we are all "normal" in others. The commonality we all share is being human. For me what is important is that we are accepting, open minded, non judgmental and supportive to those around us because everyone is on the same journey through life and it is much easier if we look after each other on the way.